FROM THE CORPSES, FLOWERS GREW

DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE

…I categorized food into “safe” and “unsafe” groups. Some of the groupings were logical (candy is bad, fruit is okay), but others were completely arbitrary. Great Harvest Bread fell into the safe bracket, despite the fact that it is fairly fattening. I stopped eating meat even though some types of lean meat are healthier than processed carbohydrates. (Meat was also harder for me to throw up than foods like pasta.) I refused to drink milk, juice, or regular soda because I was convinced that liquids with calories were a waste. I lived on bread, cereal (never in bowls, just by the handful or perhaps in a plastic baggie), fat-free frozen yogurt, and fruit. Everything else wound up in the toilet. Needless to say, the human body was not designed to function on under 800 calories a day derived from only two food groups. I was constantly tired, but could not sleep at night. My hair pulled away from my scalp as I washed it in the morning. I bruised easily, and felt cold all the time. Headaches tormented me daily. Standing up too quickly left me dizzy, and my pulse plodded along stubbornly.

Worse than the physical pain, however, was the emotional and mental anguish. I could not concentrate since I thought incessantly of food. During class, instead of listening to lectures or taking notes, I thought about what I had eaten that day, when I would eat again, what I would eat, and whether I would have the opportunity to throw up. I baked nightly and brought the treats to school the next day, distributing them among my friends. I watched others eat, vicariously savoring each bite. I read cookbooks and hoarded recipes. I never looked in the mirror without thinking, “Fat.” I saw so much lard on my 5’2” frame that I was genuinely shocked when people said I was getting too thin. At the beginning of the disease, I weighed myself each morning, then each morning and each night, then several times in between, until I literally weighed myself a half dozen to a dozen times a day. I thought of nothing but how I needed to be thinner. Eating unsafe foods sent me flying to the nearest bathroom, slamming the door and shoving all the fingers of my right hand down my scratched and aching throat….